The Swindler
The
phone rang. Usually no one wants to answer the phone, so it goes to our message
machine. But, tonight I was expecting a call from Mary because we were working
on a project together. The phone rang once—I picked it up.
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi, is this Mary?”
Mary was my best
friend. We had met in second grade. I was a short, stubby girl who always liked
to dress herself. Mary was the taller and skinnier one who actually had a sense
of fashion, even at a young age. I usually would come to school with my blonde
short hair pinned back or in a ponytail but she would have hers perfectly
combed. I can remember that we had the same teacher but I don’t remember what
made us best friends.
“This is Susan.”
“Can I ask who you’re calling for?”
“I’m calling for Chet.”
I quickly pressed the end button
and slammed the phone back onto the charger. Who was Susan? Why would she be
calling at seven o’clock at night for my dad? We had to have our roof re-tiled
but they wouldn’t be calling after hours. Thoughts
kept running through my head about who this woman was, but I was interrupted by
Dad, “Who were you talking to?”
I replied, “Oh, just Mary. Were
working on a project together.”
His eyes, open wide with a scared
look, started at me for a while and then he quickly scurried away into the
other room. I went on with my evening attempting to work on my project but I
kept thinking about this girl Susan. Something about this situation just seemed
wrong and my stomach turned in circles. I’m horrible at lying and I hate it but
I had a gut feeling that I shouldn’t tell anyone that this woman had called.
Mom is in the
kitchen whipping up some delicacy and Dad is in his office talking on the phone
with who I assume are his business partners. Dinnertime arrives and Dad dashes
in, to suddenly leave right after. “Goodbye sweetie. Goodbye Heather. I’m late
for a business dinner.” he hastily said and kissed my mother and I before he
ran out of the door.
These
situations had been going on for over four years, since I was seven. Dad would
go to work. Mom would stay home and take care of me. She would make all the
meals, pack all the lunches, and clean the house. Dad would come home from work
when I came home from school. Mom would cook dinner and the Dad would leave.
This would happen a couple times a week and it just became routine to me just
like brushing my teeth.
*
They
were high school sweethearts. Their story wasn’t the typical “he was the
football jock and she was the head cheerleader” story, but they met through
mutual friends. He was dating a girl at the time and was introduced to Mom when
all of their friends went bowling one night. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her
even though he was with someone else. Something about Mom just made him fall in
love so easily with her. They spent days and nights together. Dad finally ended
his relationship with his previous girlfriend. They were inseparable and
decided that marriage was in their future. After the “I do’s,” I came along. An
unexpected but miraculous child, I was. I was an angel, always listening and
following the rules. As I grew older I became closer to my mother as my father
was usually was gone on business trips or business dinners with his partners.
*
I
had just turned sixteen and Mary wasn’t able to spend the day with me. We were
going out for dinner to catch up a couple days after my birthday because she
just came home from seeing her grandparents in Virginia for a week. We had
never gone without seeing each other for more than a couple days so it was nice
to finally see her. The trees were rustling outside as the autumn leaves fell
from the gusty wind and slight drizzle. I took my umbrella outside, but the
wind swallowed it up. We decided to walk along Ventura Boulevard and just come
upon a restaurant that sounded tasty. The Swindler—we didn’t know what it meant
or what food they served but we decided to give it a try.
“Table for two please.”
“The wait will be ten minutes if that’s okay.”
My stomach was grumbling louder than the people talking in the restaurant. I looked across the room to see if there were any empty tables. My eyes peeled open in case someone left their table. My eyes came across a familiar looking man—someone who I couldn’t recognize fully but I knew that somehow I knew him. The perfectly combed brown hair, nice dress shirt, and the woman he was sitting with indicated to me he must be older, about mid forties. The woman hadn’t looked familiar, so I thought that I must be seeing things and that I actually didn’t know the man. He was holding her hand with a hugging grip; they were obviously in love. He leaned forward to give her a sweet kiss and as he pulled back we made eye contact. With a panic, I screamed, “Dad?!”
“Table for two please.”
“The wait will be ten minutes if that’s okay.”
My stomach was grumbling louder than the people talking in the restaurant. I looked across the room to see if there were any empty tables. My eyes peeled open in case someone left their table. My eyes came across a familiar looking man—someone who I couldn’t recognize fully but I knew that somehow I knew him. The perfectly combed brown hair, nice dress shirt, and the woman he was sitting with indicated to me he must be older, about mid forties. The woman hadn’t looked familiar, so I thought that I must be seeing things and that I actually didn’t know the man. He was holding her hand with a hugging grip; they were obviously in love. He leaned forward to give her a sweet kiss and as he pulled back we made eye contact. With a panic, I screamed, “Dad?!”
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI like the story for its clear trajectory and lack of totally superlative wording. Nothing in it is terribly confusing, but at the same time I feel like there is not a lot of flourish. Granted that’s just a matter of taste, but I feel like at points it is a little terse, with sentences like “Dinnertime arrives and Dad dashes in, to suddenly leave again.” I could be completely wrong, but that’s just the way I feel about it.
<3 Rick
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you use the two girls' friendship to advanced the story and reveal more things about the father. I like that because instead of her randomly finding things about the dad, she had a reason to answer the phone and she had a reason to go out and eat. It didn't happen just cause and that's good.
One thing you could do is elaborate more on the parents relationship when they fell in love and when they began to deteriate. This will make the cheating sting more and give insight to why the dad is cheating.
This is a good start and I can't wait to see the progress.
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI look forward to see what this story has in store and where you will take it from here. Right now I feel like there is not much to it but that it is a good start. The telling of the relationships between all of the characters is good but I would like to have more details to really understand and feel where the characters are coming from and what they are really like. Right now I don't feel like I know the characters and have no real attachment to them. I think it would help if you showed an interaction between all three family members so the reader knows their dynamics. A good start and I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI loved How you dive right in to the heart of the conflict at the very beginning of the piece. I was immanently engaged in your story and curious to see who the woman was on the other line.
I also loved the passage "Mary was the taller and skinnier one who actually had a sense of fashion, even at a young age. I usually would come to school with my blonde short hair pinned back or in a ponytail but she would have hers perfectly combed." I liked the physical descriptions in this bit as it immanently gave us more details as to what the character looks like as well as the nature of the relationship between her and Mary.
I would love to see more dialogue between the main character and her father especially in the midsection. More dialogue would also help the reader to understand more about the relationship between the main character and her father.
Also I think you could add a few more details about the phone conversation like what does the other woman's voice sound like? how does the character feel when she picks up the phone and Mary is not on the other line?
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI liked how the story began right in the middle of a tense situation. It naturally caught my attention and made me want to finish reading so I could see what was really going on.
I do feel like I didn't really get a sense for who your characters are, and that automatically made me feel detached. If you told us just a little more about their personalities, and who they are individually it would help a lot! That way it would create more of an understanding of your characters.
I like the story line though, and I can't wait to see where you go with it!
Good job!
Dear Christin,
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you started the story. The phone call was a great way to set up foreshadowing for what was to come. It hooks the reader and leaves them wanting more. Great job!
This may be a personal critique, but I didn't care for the way you set up the story by jumping around. I feel like it would work better just to tell the story smoothly. Perhaps you could tell the background story of the mom and dad's relationship over an anniversary dinner instead of a random back story.
Your weaving of the main character and Mary into the story works really well, and I love the set up for how she finds her dad at dinner with another woman. However, I feel like this is really where your story is starting; it shouldn't end here! Who is this woman? Why is the dad having an affair? There is a lot to explore here! This is the climax of the story and it is where we want to see the action happen.
Great job! :) This was an exciting story and it would be interesting to see how you further it.